Walking Home

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God's timing cannot get any better.

I need this 40-day fast. I need to re-discover the intimacy with God. I must have lost it along the way as I go through life, growing up, growing older. I must have kept denying to myself that something is not right over the last few years. I must suppressed it, glossed over it and carried on with life as if everything is just fine.

But since the turn of 2008, I think God cares too much to allow me to carry on like this. Certain feelings kept gnawing at my core, and gets harder and harder to suppress. Feelings of repressed anger, bitterness, discontent.

Living life becomes increasingly tasteless, monotonous....as if there is little to look forward to. I feel dissatisfied with my life. Everything (including my walk with God) feels like a chore, a daily grind. I feel like quiting, yet somehow in my heart I know I do not have a better alternative. I feel trapped, frustrated, angry.

Relating to God feels like reporting to my boss, Instead of a loving relationship, all I see are responsibilities and obligations to fulfill.

I think I forgot that He loves me as a son, not just as a servant.

I think I know that in my head....but somehow I do not really grasp it in my heart.

I feel just like the elder brother of the prodigal son...faithfully serving the father all these years, but without much joy, not really "knowing" his father's love.

My heart must have hardened along the way....without me realising it. Now that I reflect upon it, I begin to see the points in my life where that gradually set in. Looks like I did not "guard my heart" well enough.

I need to sort myself out and "clean house". Need to draw near to my Father ....again.

I think I have been away....for a long time. Time to start to walk home.
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