Just like the Israelites...

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Reading "Drawing Near" by John Bevere.

What he made me realise is that although we so often shake our heads at the Israelites during their exodus, for being so stiff-necked, for always grumbling and complaining against Moses, I am actually so like them...if I am honest with myself.

So often, I walk with God as if it is a chore...and complain and grumble (often not outwardly, but definitely in my heart) whenever things don't work out the way I want.

What is the problem here with my heart?

John Bevere rightly pointed out the root of the issue is in the key difference between the heart of Moses and the hearts of the rest of the Israelites:

(1) Moses' key desire was always for the presence of God. That is evident in the following verses:
Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.
(Exodus 33:15).

Moses would rather not go into the Promised Land (symbolising the good life and its material blessings) if the Presence of God did not go with him. He just wanted to be right there in the presence of God. The rest, including his material comforts and circumstances, was unimportant! No wonder God was delighted with the heart of this man.

(2) Compare that to the rest of the Israelites,

They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?
Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" (Exodus 14:12-13)

The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." (Exodus 16:3)

But the people were thirsty for water there, and they grumbled against Moses. They said, "Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?" (Exodus 17:3)

If I were to be honest with myself, I must say that I am much more like the Israelites. Deep inside, I think that I place too much emphasis on the "good life" - the material enjoyment, the "freedom" to use my time on things I like to do. Hence the natural propensity to grumble and complain in my heart against God and His leaders whenever serving Him requires me to undergo inconveniences and certain sacrifices that impedes my pursuit of the "good life" that I wanted.

I believe I totally lack Moses' deep desire for the presence of God. I have lost the joy of my salvation. Serving Him has become an obligation, a responsibility to discharge. I hardly sense any joy and delight. Sad state of affairs, but true.

What is the remedy? I believe Ps Khong's message clearly reveals what needs to be done:

(1) I need to be broken by the condition of my heart. I am beginning to...and recognise that I cannot go on like that.

(2) I need to cry out everyday for God's cleansing.

(3) Most importantly, I need God to create a new heart within me, grant me a willing and steadfast spirit to sustain me, and restore the joy of my salvation.
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Walking Home

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God's timing cannot get any better.

I need this 40-day fast. I need to re-discover the intimacy with God. I must have lost it along the way as I go through life, growing up, growing older. I must have kept denying to myself that something is not right over the last few years. I must suppressed it, glossed over it and carried on with life as if everything is just fine.

But since the turn of 2008, I think God cares too much to allow me to carry on like this. Certain feelings kept gnawing at my core, and gets harder and harder to suppress. Feelings of repressed anger, bitterness, discontent.

Living life becomes increasingly tasteless, monotonous....as if there is little to look forward to. I feel dissatisfied with my life. Everything (including my walk with God) feels like a chore, a daily grind. I feel like quiting, yet somehow in my heart I know I do not have a better alternative. I feel trapped, frustrated, angry.

Relating to God feels like reporting to my boss, Instead of a loving relationship, all I see are responsibilities and obligations to fulfill.

I think I forgot that He loves me as a son, not just as a servant.

I think I know that in my head....but somehow I do not really grasp it in my heart.

I feel just like the elder brother of the prodigal son...faithfully serving the father all these years, but without much joy, not really "knowing" his father's love.

My heart must have hardened along the way....without me realising it. Now that I reflect upon it, I begin to see the points in my life where that gradually set in. Looks like I did not "guard my heart" well enough.

I need to sort myself out and "clean house". Need to draw near to my Father ....again.

I think I have been away....for a long time. Time to start to walk home.
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On Psalms 42 and 43

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Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

After SP's message on Sunday about the importance of "not fretting" even when things are not going well, I thought Psalms 42 and 43 further reinforced this truth with David's common refrain in these 2 Psalms.

Indeed, one of the most valuable lessons that I am learning from David is his unfailing ability to give thanks and praise God, regardless of the difficult circumstances that he is in. His unwavering hope is always that ultimately, God will come through for Him.

Need to learn from David. I guess the first thing to do will be to memorise this verse to remind myself whenever things don't go well, that my hope must always remain steadfast, because the Source of my hope will never fail me.
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Vindication

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Just got off a conversation with a colleague, who just had a salary increment meeting with her boss. She was very, very upset. It seems that her boss had used all his increment budget on a few selected "high performers" and gave the rest of the team zero increment.

So regardless of how hard you work, and how much you think you have accomplished, if the boss does not rate you as one of the "top performers", zero will be your reward for the entire year's work.

Unfair? I think so.

But why would we expect fairness in a world run by fallen man? Wealth distribution managed by a world guided by the principle of greed is not expected to result in justice or fairness.

My own "fate" in terms of salary increment is still unknown. I may know sometime this week. A similar fate like my colleague's may await me. But after 10+ years of working in MNCs while trying me best to walk with God, I think I have learnt that in situations like that, worrying or being anxious is futile. It is not going to change anything.

Do I want a good increment? Of course! Do I pray for it? Sure I did! And since I have done all I can (ie pray), I think the smartest thing will be to leave it in His good hands.

Does it mean that I will not be affected in the event of a unfavourable meeting with my boss? I don't think so. But I think any potential disappointment or emotional outburst is likely to be muted. Either I have mellowed over the years (or grown in the Lord), I thought that Psalm 35 provides a reminder on how I should respond in the event that I am unfairly treated:

Awake, and rise to my defense!
Contend for me, my God and Lord.
(Psalm 35:23)

Need to remind myself never to get too upset in these situations, but still be able to do what David did in his circumstances -

My tongue will speak of your righteousness
and of your praises all day long.
(Psalm 35:28)
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